Wanna be a Babuji ?

India is a multi-party democracy, a sovereign and a secular republic that chooses its leaders by a secret ballet system. It is a mixture of cultures, traditions and of course superstitions, an intercommunication of languages and dialects, with a growing number of slang in an alarming rate, a confused relationship of 100 religions and castes which somehow have learnt to co-exist. Being a politician in such is a setup is real difficult. So here are some of the great characteristics of a good politician.

Any preliminary requirement for a politician aspirant is to speak and to do that non-stop. It doesn't matter what you speak or how you speak. All it matters is that you speak. And if you can use a couple of words in all languages like chennagidha, baha unnaara, how are you, naanayittu unda, your prospects of growing national looks increasingly good. You will have to play with words and stop worrying about what they actually mean.

Then you must be a good two face. You must fall in the feet of voters to get elected and once you have done that must crush them under your feet. You must be one good soul on the outside, do noble acts, pretend that you work for aam aadmi, tell lies that can comfort poor and when no one is seeing you can steal, rape, kill and do all what you want. So being a two face help you when you speak nonsense.

Most people in India always worry about their neighbours. When farmers keep dying due to poverty, they want to help the Srilankans dying some where. When terrorist within India attack them They blame Pakistan. When every one wants to save their ass, they want to save America's ass. So you must talk a lot about foreign matters. You must weep when a Srilankan kills another Srilankan. However you need not worry about Indian farmers. You must comment on all possible foreign issues, even if that requires questioning Bill Clinton's sexual circle.

You must oppose all forms of development. You must raise your voice against any form of capitalism, even if it benefits people. You must identify yourself as a farmer's messiah, but you need not do anything beneficiary for them. You must visit huts and stay for a night, then catch a flight to Delhi, take a government sponsored Benz and have breakfast at a five star hotel.

You must fast and agitate along with people on social issues. That doesn't say you shouldn't eat, only not in front of others. That doesn't say you have to stand in sun all day, shouting all slogans, only in front of others. That doesn't say you take sided based on an opinion, just for others. All you have to do is say, "Government down down !" and take your diet on that particular day.

The next thing is an art. You must be a good illusionist. You must know to manipulate figures. You can announce a budget with Rs 2/Kg rice and end up in a deficit of Rs 1000 crores, yet show a surplus of Rs 1000 crores. We Indians don't understand a surplus and a deficit, we know only its a huge amount. You must take away from us, but convince us that we are taking it. You must be able to multiply 10 and 10 and get to 10000. Its all about numbers, mostly zeroes.

You must make sure, you are always in the headlines. And for that you can get into thousand controversies. You can battle with the film industry for not using Indian titles. You can call Barack Obama a mother fucker. You can attend a actress' birthday party. You can buy a pig and name it Sharukh Khan. And a similar thousand others.

You must only wear traditional clothes like Dhoti, Kurta and pyjamas. This will show your patriotism, belief in your tradition and culture and a love for your country. But you can buy properties in Los Angeles, London and all other fucking foreign nations. You can advice your countrymen to educate their children in their mother tongue, while your children will be in NSU, UCLA and thousand other universities. Coming back to this dress, if you are a woman, use a Saree. You can remove it in the parliament and say that the opposition tried to rape you.

There are two other special requirements. You must not be able to read or write. You must not even know to sign. This way you can call yourself a representation of low class people. You can call you a hard worker who just through dedicated service for people climbed up the ladders of the party.

This will help you in the assembly. You must know to fight, make a weapon out of anything, wear leather slippers, have whistles and must be able to bang the desks pretty hard. At times, you must bring piles of cash, call for some non-confidence motions against the government, shout way above any one and must walk out as much as possible.

You must know to fall at the feet of the party leader in public. This will ensure your growth within a party and assure you a place in the ministry, if your party ever comes to power.

India is one of the few countries where people fear the government. Curse those bribed cock suckers.