Happys Endings !

For sometime now, people have been yelling at me for writing a lot of sad stories in my blog. The wanted an article without words like tears, blood, heart, cry death, etc. So I decided to give them one, a funny one. But Life is not so much fun to write. It has deaths, it has cries. It spills blood. So I started searching for the thing, that is only fun. Movies. So let us talk movies.

First things first. Story, the heart and brain of any movie. Well, these days you gotta search for this thing in a movie. I will not be surprised if movies introduces a trivia at the end "Find the story and win a lakh rupees!". As the 21st century is trying to crawl its way through the pages of history, both the brains of men and stories of movies has been hard to find. Story writing has become the easiest job with the story template readily available.

"Hero is born into a wealthy family. When he was young, his father gets killed and all their wealth turns ash. The single mother does house keeping in the neighborhood and educate the hero. He graduates out of college and finds a job. There he finds the heroine, the only daughter of a billionaire. At first, the heroine hates this poor and ugly dog, the falls for his braveness and kindness. But her father still thinks the dog is no man for her daughter. So he locks his daughter in his house. The next day, the hero tries to rescue his love from chains only to find that it was her father who killed his father and stole all their money. The revenge and the marriage make the climax". Only one movie out of twenty does not follow this template. 5 make small changes and the rest are just the copy of above.

Next comes the screenplay. If Story writing is copying a template, screenplay writing is editing it. The opening credits are shown with the first sentence of the story happening in the background. After the second sentence of the story, the hero introduction comes. As usual, he sings about all good deeds(he is not supposed to possess them though), completely irrelevant to the story. A couple of comedy scenes find their presence between the third and the fourth sentence. The next sentence is supposed to be the most romantic scene in the movie, the introduction of the heroine. In a white dress, she comes out of fog and mist at 12 noon when the temperature is over 40 degrees. She looks like a bunny out of the wild looking for a carrot. And finally she makes the scene the most funniest one in the entire movie. And the hero salivates looking at this yummy bunny chick and falls in love with her. It takes a duet and some dreams even before they really get introduced. Soon, he becomes her unemployed bodyguard. And one day, when another man salivates at the bunny, he goes and fights with him. The fight takes place in a market where all colorful vegetables and fruits can be thrown in air to create a atmosphere.

The heroine finds a liking for the hero. But the feeling form within is yet to come. So, the next scene is a touching scene in which the hero helps a blind beggar cross the road. Love blossoms in the heroine heart. INTERVAL is announced.

Immediately after the popcorn comes a duet with hero and the heroine dancing among 100s and 1000s of dancers in colorful sets, with funny clothes on an animated frame. By now, all comediennes and villains would have been introduced and the comediennes would have made us cry and the villains made us laugh. By the end of that funny song, the heroine's father would have learnt about the stupid love story and would have been stupid enough to lock her daughter in a room. With tears in her eyes, the heroine(with some glamour attached) falls on a bed and sobs. The next sentence in the story is a flashback when the hero's father is killed. The next scene will sport the hero with a gun. A couple of fights and very tempting song help us reach the climax. And finally the heroine's father turns into a good man, and gives his go ahead for the marriage, but only after hearing a boring lecture form the hero. The end credits roll out. Unfortunately no one cares to see it. THE END for the screenplay. Then comes the cast.

Hero : Someone who can fluently speak irrelevant dialogues in the local language without making people think about what he is speaking. Someone who can workout in the sets. He must look like he can do 10 different things all at the same time. In short, he must be a living form of God.

Heroine : A girl with the courage and guts to wear a tie as her dress. It a required qualification to know no local language.

Comedienne : Someone who can show more that 32 teeth in his mouth.

Villain : Someone who can look as ugly and filthy as possible.

Character artists : All those who have the capability to cry without glycerin and make us cry.

The entire cast must be as goofy as possible.

Story, screenplay and cast is done. Dance comes in next. As i had told you, the hero must be ready to workout in songs. The crew will make people believe it were dance. Aamir khan in his latest movie Ghajini set new standards for this in the song "Behkah mein Behkha". Asin had to really make all kinds of march pasts to keep up with his six pack.

And speaking of six packs, takes us the concept of body. Actors, these days have become so crazy how they look and we see even Nayantara sporting a six pack. Hip sizes are no longer measured in positive integers. Zero is the preferred value. Aishwarya Rai to Kareena Kapoor, Anuskha Sharma to Rani Mukherjee, all have size zero. Katrina is the only exception. Hips don't lie with Shriya and Illeana. Of course both are size zeros, i mean in hips. I will not comment about other parts of their body.

Men are no exceptions. the latest trend is expose as much as possible. Topless means hot for these men. From Hrithik to Sharukh, all have posed topless for their movies. Even Rajni kanth has tried it once. And taking this one step further was John Abraham when he stripped to one piece. I believe many will follow suit. This crazy world started exposing their underwears through their pants after Sharukh did it.

And then related to this body is action, fights. Though all men have six packs, most of them us doubles when it comes to action. They are satisfied just to expose six packs and not put them in the line of danger. Its been long any hero showed his face to camera for fights. Jackie Chan deserves a lot of credit here.

And then finally the most interesting and funny thing in a movie, the dialogues. And in Tamil and Telugu, you find the most stupidest and funniest dialogues. As i am not well versed in Telugu, I will stick with Tamil.

This man hates all terrorists from Jammu and Kashmir to Kanya kumari. He has even fought against jihadis and it will not be surprise, if he assassinates Osama Bin Laden in his next movie. His funniest dialogues , "Thulasi vaasam maarunallum maarum, Intha Thavasi vaarththa maara maatan !". "Manippu, Tamila enakku pidikkaadha ore vaarthey!"

And then the superstars of today's Tamil film industry, "Nee adicha piece, naan adicha mass da !". "Adhu !" They hate no terrorist, but only each other. "Yaar adicha, pori kalangi, bhoomi adhiradhu udambula theriyutho avan than Tamil. Adhu naan thaan !". "Ithu oru karuppu charithiram !". Looking at this dog fight, a man exclaimed to Rajni, "Enna koduma Saravan ithu !"

And when it comes to dialogues, we are not going to leave out our king who scripted some of most funniest dialogues. "Vaada en machi, Vaalaikka bachi ! Un udamba pichi pottukuven thatchi !", "Thngathchi, ambala kettu poitta, athu nanancha satta mathiri, nananchallum theriyaathu, kanchallum theiryathu! aana ponnu kattu poitta, athu kilincha satta mathiri, kilinchallum theriyum. thatchallum theiryum !" cos we don't oppress, and suppress, and depress the view of the Tamilian.

And to all those folks who believe that's it, "Picture abhi bhi bakhi meri dost !". "I'll be back !"